Sometimes I wonder ...

Have I lost it?

You know, it - bits of my personality that I once cherished, which seem to have fallen by the wayside over the years.

I feel I've lost my ability to look at the events in my life as a third party; one who is able to pinpoint the dramatic irony of it all with an acerbic wit rivaled by none. Lard knows that I've been through hell in a hand basket and I'm feeling a little worse for the wear, a little embittered. Once upon a time, I was at least wry and embittered. I could sit down in front of a monitor and spew my bile to anyone who would listen, but still make it funny. At least to me, and that's what's important. (Isn't it?) It made things bearable. But ... what happen? (Someone set us up the bomb).


I'm petrified to play the viola.

I just read that sentence and nearly changed it to read "... my viola". I stopped myself. Why? I thought it was telling. I've distanced myself from it. I feel far removed from the music that once swelled in my breast, saddened at a time long past. I feel something akin to sexual frustration regarding my instrument. I yearn for it, but feel I have no outlet. I could blame a million things for the fact that I've not been playing it. I shouldn't blame anyone but m'self, but I do. I want to take private lessons again, but haven't been able to reach my professor. I'm tired from my new-ish job. There are so many things to do around the apartment. I'm embarrassed to play in the apartment since the walls are so thin. If I were dedicated, would that deter me? Am I ready for it?

Merry says I should set manageable goals, so that when I reach them, I feel victorious. Rather than saying a general, "I should practice. I really want to practice", say, "I'll practice once this week". When I reach that goal, set another manageable goal.

But still, I'm scared. I don't know what of exactly, but I am. It could be as simple as fear of commitment, or of the unknown. Have you ever been so used to just "getting by" that a break from the mundane is frightening? Mediocrity is easy. It's the aspiration of greatness that scares the shit out of me.

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I think I'm too hard on myself. I just don't give myself the chance to utilize what I view as talents. When I become too busy to explore myself, it is then that I feel emotionally dry. Y'know?

So. Forgive this excessively negative First Post Back. Things are better than I paint them.