Good grief...

I used to believe everything happens for a reason, across the board. I mean, everything is a learning experience, a new challenge to grow and think outside of the box. And then my dad died. I can't think of a single good thing that has come of it. And yet I still look at situations in my own life and those of others and see learning experiences, things that happen - and had they happened any other way, life would be completely different. That doubled fact, that death has no reason and that everything has a reason, has shattered my faith.

I used to believe in an afterlife, that everything continued on in some sense, whether through reincarnation, being a spirit guide, or by going to a final resting place. But with my shattered faith and broken heart, I cannot see my father as living on in another plane. And yet, I believe in an afterlife.

I don't know how to move forward. I mean, if I believe in an afterlife, shouldn't that be a balm, a reassurance that my father is ok? That things will be ok? That he sees me and loves me and wants the best for me?

I just can't wrap my head around it, and it eats at me when I think about it (which I don't often let myself do, as a coping method I suppose).

I feel lost, lost without my papa.