Life Patterns

I have a pattern in my life: I tend to disappear, to make myself scarce when stress gets too high, or I get scared, or things become difficult. It is the one thing in my life that I am most ashamed of. Though I've been getting better about it, the urge to run is sometimes almost irresistible. If I'm so ashamed of it, though, why have I not scrutinized my motives, putting the issue on the table and dissecting it? I'm good at analyzing things to death, but - is it so surprising that I stick my head in the sand when the issue is close to home or painful to look at?

I have a history of severing friendships with nary a word of warning to the severed. Again, if I feel uncomfortable with a situation or relationship, I stop returning calls. I stop accepting IMs. I become invisible, a mere memory.

I've done it with viola teachers. High school friends. College friends. Friends I made when I was attending church. The people who could help me find a way through the darkness that I fear so much are the ones I push away.

And when I come out of the other side of the tunnel, I'm too ashamed to try to re-establish contact, for I know, I just know I'll push them away when things get intense once more.

The ones I do have the chutzpa to contact again ... inevitably get pushed away, over and over and over again. I almost feel as though I can't stop myself from running.

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I've been making a few new friendships and have rekindled two blasts from my past, and it takes conscious effort to turn to them when trouble arises, rather than running for the hills.

I suppose I should celebrate my baby steps, my progress, and let go of past shame and guilt, moving forward in the process. I try not to brood, but I am prone to it, and I sometimes find myself mourning the friends I feel I've wronged.