numerology and dreams

My best friend, Nykki, wrote an e-mail to me this morning giving me a link to a Numerology website. My Numerology report took me by complete suprize. It said :

YOUR LIFE PATH AS AN 8:
As an essential 8 your primary purpose in this life is to accept power, success and affluence as you apply yourself in service toward a higher good for all. You will most likely learn to reach a position of power or success in this life, but first you must come to accept and recognize your own successes for the good and positiveness that they hold. There may be issues of money, power or control that you will face throughout your life as you learn the lesson of material success. Eventually you will see that your own powers and earning potential are your unique key to achieving the prosperity you need for purchasing tools and acquiring skills for helping others. In your own success is for the good of others and this helps to drive you on toward a new awareness of your true life purpose. Because of any feelings you may have to be in extreme control of others you will eventually come to lead those around you to the same success, but this is not the same as attempting to control those who do not follow your directions or do things the way you do. Remember that all is "as it should be" and that you can lead best by being silent and providing an example for others to follow.

It made us both remember my dreams of teaching viola, performing in symphonies (as a soloist, natch) ... Said Nyyki, "You have the kind of mind that would work well in constructing either musicians or instruments", and I tend to agree.

My response?

Especially after the dreams I've had lately where I felt like flying because I was so happy to be performing, I'd like to see me get back into music again too. I envy my peers who are living off of loans or off of mommy and daddy and don't have to face the things I'm facing or do the things I'm doing. Maybe they just choose to turn a blind eye to reality - but I, I feel weighted down by constant reality, and I long for the days, short lived though they were, where I had few cares or worries. Mind you, I realize I have it relatively easy now, but my goal is to get debt behind me, get savings under me, get travel in me, and then go back to school.

Look at me. I'm happy enough to be dreaming again. And not only that, these dreams could easily become reality, and I'm taking steps to make them so. (insert corny star trek joke here).

Life's not so bad right now. Yes, I feel weighted down by the pressure of coming to a job, day in and day out, that doesn't stimulate me mentally, and yes I feel the pressure that only debt and constant penny-pinching bring, but I'm content with waiting this phase out, weathering through it and learning from the things that are there to teach me - about dependability, budgeting, maintaining (relatively) rosy spirits in the face of extreme monotony and soul-crushing boredom, facing stress with grace, learning to interact well with peers ...

Still, I miss school. I miss the outlet that only pouring one's heart out through a well-prepared performance can bring. I miss it. I miss it.

sad state of affairs

'twas a sad, sad day when I realized that just seeing interesting SPAM in my inbox made my day a little easier to bear.

I should really look into getting an e-penpal. Or two.

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EDIT:
What you have to understand is that my day is interminable, with very few breaks or chances to get away from my desk, and for that matter, very little to do at said desk. So normal people, who, y'know, have things to do don't generally have time for but one or two well-worded e-mails. Which, enjoyable though they are to read, aren't enough to sate my undying hunger for brains.

Hence SPAM becoming enjoyable.

wonder of wonders ...

... miracle of miracles! (ten points to you if you can name the musical that came from ... ten more points if you didn't need to wait for me to state that it came from a musical in the first place!)

Great Goddess Athena! I think I'm going to make it to payday with some extra cash left over! That means I can put it in savings, though it will probably be promptly spent. What, you ask, could I do with a little extra cash? Well, I can:

A) buy yarn
B) visit a friend that lives an hour away
3) ... buy more yarn
D) save it for the dental surgery I may need (again. yay surgery!)
E) pay a little more towards my outstanding debt to mi padre
F) actually treat someone to drinks rather than mooching all the time

I'm hoping to do B and F, with hopefully a little left over to do A (and 3).

What a windfall! What joy is mine! My thriftiness this month actually paid off!

other blog

I found this post, dated around November 01, 2006 in my other blog. (I have two blogs - this one, though less frequently updated, is generally more organized than t'other). Anyway, this post was part of documentation of a vast change that was occouring in my life at that time, slowly but surely. I thought it was rather beautiful, not to mention pertinant to what's currently going on, and I thought I would share:

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I cast a circle last night and spent some time meditating. It wasn't much of a structured ritual, but I did want to mark the close of another year (Oct 31 on the Celtic calendar) and give thanks for the vast changes that have occoured in my life. As I was meditating, this phrase came clearly and sweetly to mind:

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I am content. I am loved. I am worthy of love.

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I haven't felt that, haven't believed that in longer than I can recall. I've never loved myself, or felt that others really loved me. I felt unimaginable peace as I drifted off to sleep last night.

self image

You know, my self image has improved so much since I was 120 lbs. I hated myself then. The only times I felt beautiful, and only begrudgingly, was when someone I trusted told me I looked good that day. Looking back, I had it all (or so it seemed)- I was thin, had a pretty face, good hair, funky clothes, friends, was doing well in school... yet I hated myself. There was a month or two where I'd only eat once per day. Talk about unhealthy body image.

For a long time after I gained all that weight, I felt ugly and fat. But then I started looking in the mirror, seeing my beautiful, full breasts (Triple D! score!), the curves of my hips, my still-pretty face... so I started loving myself. You know, two people have broken up with me, citing my size as being an issue, but you know what? Who cares? Screw them, because they're missing out on my soft body and my amazing personality.

Since starting Yoga classes in November 2006, I've been eating healtier (and in smaller quantity), so I've been slowly (and healthily!) losing weight. I am roughly 15 lbs away from my goal weight.

So as I'm slowly changing, losing a little weight each week and month, I'm seeing my still-beautiful body change into something that's healthier, and I'm so proud of myself for actually caring enough to be making this attempt. Frankly, I'm amazed at the process - my breasts are shrinking but holding their shape, my pants are fitting looser, my face and neck look trimmer (and more sophisticated IMHO)... but I always keep in mind those months when I'd only eat once a day, and remind myself that I don't want to go down that path again, no matter how many boys can't handle my curves, or my size, because I'm going to choose my own goal weight and stick to it; I'm going to be happy with my body and my goals and my health.

Look in the mirror today. Look in it every day, until you can start looking at yourself with the kindness you deserve. Because you're beautiful the way you are.

pre - 2007 knitting projects

These are (most of) my knitting projects from the past three years. Not included in this post are my various and sundry sewing projects, which are also pretty keen, jelly bean. I'll be posting those later, after tracking them all down and putting them in one place, of course.

Lets see if I can remember the chronological order of these ... hmmm ....

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First off is my fluffy pink PoNCHo! So soft! So ... fluffy! It is made up of two identical rectangles sewed together just so, and I probably couldn't do it again for the life of me. I know I have a pattern around here somewhere ... *rummages*





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Next up is my SHaWL OF MaNY CoLoURS, made of the most lush rainbow mohair ... also the most expensive project I've done to date. I literally stood in the yarn store, 5 rolls of this stuff in my arms thinking, "Ok ... do I really need groceries this month?"

This camera doesn't do it justice. The colours are much more vibrant and flambouyant.





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And last (for now, because I'm too lazy to search the house for the one or two other projects that have made their way out of my room) is this STRiPEY SCaRF. Yay stripes in garter stitch! (I'm not particularly proud of this piece, but I figured I'd post it anyway).

my sweet Natalya

ah, knitting, how I love thee ... These are images of the progress I'm making on my Natalya project. While the pattern is not mine, the idea to knit something like this came to me as I was freezing my ass off shaking in my knickers feeling very chilled because I man the reception desk right next to the front door and the door opens any time someone comes in and I get a cold blast of air and I don't have a very stylish sweater to wear to work, sooo I thought, "Why don't I knit some cute arm warmers?"

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The above image shows my progress as of Friday 01.12.07, in the AM. All progress has been made whilst at work. Quite an enjoyable way to pass the time. The image is a bit too close-up for proper perspective as to its length, but at the time of the photo, it was roughly 3 inches in length.

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The above image was taken right after I got home on Friday afternoon, still 01.12.07. I did some work on it at my desk at work, and also in the waiting room of my therapist. This is edging on 6 inches now.

resolutions so far

{follow the white rabbit}