What's stopping me?

Forgive me, dear reader(s). I've had several serious life changes in the past two or three months, and I have yet to fall into a new routine. Blogging has been one of the things that has fallen to the wayside.

Life Changes:
1) I broke up with my wife.
2) I moved out.
  a) I moved in with one of my dearest friends
      i) and stayed on her couch for a month.
  b) I moved off of my friend's couch.
      i) and into my sister's house.
      ii) where I temporarily have a bed!!
3) I enrolled at the local community college.
  a) I am enrolled for a full 12 hour course load.
  b) I am pursuing a Nursing Degree.
      i) to follow my dream of becoming a midwife (!!)
4) I quit my full-time, well-paying job.
  a) See #3
5) After a one-day job search, I found one.
  a) At Starbucks.
  b) I start on Thursday, September 2nd.
  c) I am uber-excited (!!)

Yep. That about sums it up.

So. As to a routine ... Because I am currently living out of a few eco-conscious cloth sacks filled with a very limited selection of clothing, plus a few necessities - toiletries, books, and the like - I feel very transient. My diet, tenuously healthy though it was, has suffered for two reasons: that feeling of having no roots, and a bit of Depression. I'm still grieving The Breakup.

I have so appreciated my friends' and family's hospitality over the past few months. Being with my friend for a full month was just what the doctor ordered for my spirits, and spending time with my family after having been distant for so long has been so refreshing. But ... I crave a space to call my own. I've been searching, and may have a few promising leads on Efficiency and One Bedroom apartments near work and school. I'll be visiting them after class on Monday.

Perhaps ... perhaps, despite the sense of upheaval I can't seem to shake, I should pick up where I left off months ago. Perhaps it's time to use this blog for its appointed purpose.

I need to start making one - just one - vegetarian meal per week. It seems silly that that hasn't occurred to me until tonight. I suppose it goes back to my last post (it seems like I wrote that a lifetime ago!), in which I realized - what the hell am I waiting for? What's stopping me from meditating? A lack of candles??

What's stopping me from going veg*n? Not having an apartment?!

When you put it that way ... LOL.

It'll be good for me to start blogging again. You know things are bad when I stop journaling in my hard-bound blank book. And I have. Stopped, that is.

It'll give me something to look forward to, and prepare for, every single week.

Plus, I like showing off my pictures, even if they are a little gimpy sometimes. :)

So, tomorrow morning, I'll gather the few cookbooks I have not packed away, and go grocery shopping for mah dinner! I'll let you know how it goes!

There's nothing to fear ...

... but fear itself.

I suppose.

I'm falling behind at work. There just seems to be so much to do. I complete one task, and a million others fall on top of me like an avalanche.

My manager criticized me today. What hurts more than the criticism itself is the fact that I fear it was rightly placed. I live in the almost constant paranoia that they'll turn to me one day and say, "Kathryn, you're just not doing the kind of job we hoped you would. Goodbye."

A thought just struck me though, and it has heartened me a little:

I've been filling this particular position for about half of a school year. It was my job to pick up the pieces that two different predecessors left behind. Yes, I've let a few things slip through my fingers, but I've also created strong bonds with teachers in many school districts and fulfilled their needs admirably. My superiors see my mistakes because they aren't with me when I call on schools to see my triumphs. Per'aps I should compile a lizt of strengths I feel I have honed so that I am prepared should a meeting to criticize ever takes place.

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I don't talk about my fears often. I feel them, and keenly - but because I don't voice them, they simply fuel the fire of my general anxiety levels.

I feel a lot of pressure to perform. I'll be supporting Merry whilst she goes to school (starting Spring semester). We're moving to a slightly bigger, slightly more expensive apartment in a different city. We're strapped for money as it is. Frankly, I sometimes wonder how we're going to get by. If I lose this job, or simply get demoted, I fear there's no way we'll be able to support the lifestyle we're used to.

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Maybe I should take a leaf out of Merry's book and merely take a step back and make a small, prioritized list.

Yes. That sounds like a winner.