What's stopping me?

Forgive me, dear reader(s). I've had several serious life changes in the past two or three months, and I have yet to fall into a new routine. Blogging has been one of the things that has fallen to the wayside.

Life Changes:
1) I broke up with my wife.
2) I moved out.
  a) I moved in with one of my dearest friends
      i) and stayed on her couch for a month.
  b) I moved off of my friend's couch.
      i) and into my sister's house.
      ii) where I temporarily have a bed!!
3) I enrolled at the local community college.
  a) I am enrolled for a full 12 hour course load.
  b) I am pursuing a Nursing Degree.
      i) to follow my dream of becoming a midwife (!!)
4) I quit my full-time, well-paying job.
  a) See #3
5) After a one-day job search, I found one.
  a) At Starbucks.
  b) I start on Thursday, September 2nd.
  c) I am uber-excited (!!)

Yep. That about sums it up.

So. As to a routine ... Because I am currently living out of a few eco-conscious cloth sacks filled with a very limited selection of clothing, plus a few necessities - toiletries, books, and the like - I feel very transient. My diet, tenuously healthy though it was, has suffered for two reasons: that feeling of having no roots, and a bit of Depression. I'm still grieving The Breakup.

I have so appreciated my friends' and family's hospitality over the past few months. Being with my friend for a full month was just what the doctor ordered for my spirits, and spending time with my family after having been distant for so long has been so refreshing. But ... I crave a space to call my own. I've been searching, and may have a few promising leads on Efficiency and One Bedroom apartments near work and school. I'll be visiting them after class on Monday.

Perhaps ... perhaps, despite the sense of upheaval I can't seem to shake, I should pick up where I left off months ago. Perhaps it's time to use this blog for its appointed purpose.

I need to start making one - just one - vegetarian meal per week. It seems silly that that hasn't occurred to me until tonight. I suppose it goes back to my last post (it seems like I wrote that a lifetime ago!), in which I realized - what the hell am I waiting for? What's stopping me from meditating? A lack of candles??

What's stopping me from going veg*n? Not having an apartment?!

When you put it that way ... LOL.

It'll be good for me to start blogging again. You know things are bad when I stop journaling in my hard-bound blank book. And I have. Stopped, that is.

It'll give me something to look forward to, and prepare for, every single week.

Plus, I like showing off my pictures, even if they are a little gimpy sometimes. :)

So, tomorrow morning, I'll gather the few cookbooks I have not packed away, and go grocery shopping for mah dinner! I'll let you know how it goes!

Simplify, simplify!

I love that admonition, issued from Thoreau all those years ago. In simplicity, there is peace of both mind and spirit.

I have been overcomplicating things. Again. I caught myself at it as I was writing in my journal just a few minutes ago. In it, I was writing about how I'm feeling slightly out of sorts, which I attribute to a lack of meditation. I used the excuse of packing my altar for the move as a way to get out of the habit.

Anyway, I unpacked most of my altar and it's many and varied accoutrements last night, but can't seem to find most of my votives or my pillar candle. In my journal, I wrote, "I'll finish finding my candles tonight and meditate."

That's when I realized that, though the lighting of certain of my candles is calming and ritualisic in nature, I shouldn't base my practice upon whether I find these candles or not. In the boxes I unpacked last night I found my Quan Yin statue, my tea lights, and all of my tarot decks. What's stopping me?

Simplify, simplify indeed!

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Musings on a Move

We moved into our new (rental) house this weekend, and it is, in a word, idyllic. Except for the toilets backing up into the bathtubs. But that was taken care of quickly.

It has so much potential, like a blank canvas to an artíst. All of our furniture seems so at home in the various rooms. At last, we have a sitting room, a place to house our many and varied musical instruments!

And the kitchen! I could wax poetic about the kitchen. It is enormous, with spacious cupboards and ample counterspace upon which to work. Truly, an aspiring cook's dream come true.

The neighborhood is being turned around by new developments and new businesses. There's a non-chain coffee shoppe within walking distance of the house, and I found the coolest Farmer's Market just a stone's throw away as well. I bought 5 ears of corn there for $1 TOTAL. How cool is that?

I feel that a new chapter of our lives is unfolding, and that good things will come our way. Wish us luck on this new adventure!

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So much to write about ...

... but there seems to be so little time in which to organize my thoughts, much less write them down.

I prayed the other day, while driving all over creation for work. In my prayer, I decided to test the oft quoted, "ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you". I fervently asked that my interest in my meditation practice be focussed once again. For a time, stress had permeated most aspects of my life, and meditation had sadly started to feel like a chore.

That night as I sat before my altar lighting candles, a sweet peace washed over me, and I felt at home, at ease - feelings that had abandoned me when I succombed to the high emotional charge that had been filtering into my every waking moment.

When we take the time to shed the daily grind, and instead focus inward and Upward, inviting the Divine Presence to enter our hearts and lives, nothing can stop us. I truly believe this. I just also tend to forget it, as we are all so prone to do.

Consider yourself reminded. :)


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Epiphanies

I told you that I got promoted - well, it entails a lot of driving around, from school to school, appointment to appointment. In this time, I usually sing (poorly) along to the radio. Sometimes, if the distance is great enough to allow it, I call up a friend and chat for a few minutes. Catching up can be so hard to do with hectic schedules, so I am thankful for the breaks in my day that driving allows. However, my favorite way to pass the time is by spending time in quiet reflection - nothing but the sound of my own wheels whistling along the highway and the thoughts in my head to keep me company. It was on Wednesday, during one such period of introspection, that I had an Epiphany:

I have been fighting against my true nature for too long now. As a bi-polar, stress - no matter the level - has in the past sent me into a panicked manic state. Naturally, I find that unpleasant, and try my best to reduce or eliminate stressors, in the hopes of likewise eliminating the manic upsets. However, I have been living a life of careful control for far too long! I realized on Wednesday that, as I have matured and grown, I thrive on a little bit of controlled chaos. I find the stability that I've striven for, for so long now, to be stifling, leading to nothing but stagnance, leaving me feeling miserable.

This job change is perfect for me. My schedule remains the same from week to week, more or less - which provides the little bit of stability that I recognize that I do need. But what I do from week to week changes, providing me with the trill of a challenge.

I give thanks to the Powers That Be that such a windfall, such a blessed change of pace, has literally fallen into my lap. I pray that I will have the strength to take on such a challenge head on, and shoulder it with relative ease. And poise. I hope for poise. :)

Climbing the not-so-corporate ladder

My boss approached me last Wednesday with an interesting proposition. After discussing it with The Wife, I accepted.

But first, a bit of back story:

From February to November of 2008, I was a Roadie for the Music Company that I work for. Kind of. I mean, I was on the road a lot. I visited Middle and High School orchestra directors in cities surrounding Home Base (ie: the Corporate Office) and provided services and supplies. It was a great gig, but it was fast paced and high stress. I didn't handle those parts very well, so in October or so, I asked to go back to the store and do sales there.

They agreed. And so it was that, after they found a replacement for me (whom I trained), I went back to store clerk-dom.

Well, the replacement didn't work out so much. Without going into details here, suffice it to say that my manager approached me with a Question:

Would I like to go back to being a Road Representative for the company?

My answer was a resounding, "Yes".

So I'm settling into my new-old routine, and loving it. I feel, in my heart of hearts, that I am better equipped to handle whatever stresses may come my way this time around.

You know what's funny? With the faster pace, I was anticipating having to eat more to compensate for the energy expended. Oddly enough, I've found the opposite to be true - I'm perfectly content with my PB&J sammitch that I bring for my lunch-on-the-fly. I've started eating the "25% less sugar" counterpart of the Quaker Oats Chewy Granola Bar I used to eat for breakfast. After a few days of my body going into shock in the mornings ("ZOMG, WTFBBQ? Less SUGAR??"), I've adjusted quite nicely, and only need the one bar to tie me over 'til lunch time.

And, as long as I play my cards right (ie: coming in to work at 7:25 am), I can leave a little earlier than I used to as a clerk. Instead of pulling a 9 - 6 shift, I'm doing a 7:30 - 4:30 shift. I'm rather liking it. Right now, I'm spending most of that evening time gearing up for the move, but soon --very soon-- I want to be using the time to do more yoga and maybe even walk around the neighborhood.

Anyway, that's what's keeping me away from the keyboard lately. Wish me luck on this new adventure!

Teh sicks. I has them.

I woke up at about 2:30 this morning with the uncontrollable urge to hastily remove the entire contents of my stomach. I did so, rather begrudgingly, and went back to a fitful night of sleep.

I think that my falling off the bandwagon has finally caught up with me. I'm not feeling my best by any stretch of the imagination. I've gained weight, I feel ambiently ill most of the time, and my energy levels have suffered. I'm having a hard time staying motivated (obviously), so I'm going to try to join a support group called Vegan Hopefuls, being hosted by the blog maven of Vegan Hope. I hope I get accepted, and hope it is the last little nudge that I need to get up and moving, and making the changes that I need to make.

Wish me luck.

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